The Breakfast Club

Iowa_Polka
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Here at non-communist BTO we are strident believers in the power and authority of free markets. Tony Hawk for instance popularized the McSqueeb hair-cut and named a trick after Madonna, in between raising awareness of international arms trafficking via the movie “Gleaming the Cube” – therefore he gained power and many dollars. The question upon our minds this week is what recognition from a newly created Skateboarding Hall of Fame could possibly offer the Birdman that he does not already have, aside from a hazy notion of name recognition among future skateboarders with the inclination to read press releases, but we all know this to be untrue because Tony Hawk is in it for the money, the money and the cars, cars and the clothes, as clearly stated on his upcoming solo album.

But the skateboard hall of fame is the latest brainchild of the International Association of Skateboard Companies, that conglomeration of businessmen and unemployed werewolfs who devised the international “Go Skateboarding Day” and helps get kids in Arkansas arrested. As to their rationale, we’ll let IASC executive director John Bernards tell the tale:

“Taking the opportunity to acknowledge and honor the individuals who have so greatly influenced and shaped the industry allows us to look forward to the future of skateboarding without ever forgetting our roots and everything it took to get where we are today – each and every shenanigan, triumph and challenge.”

So choke on it, On Video magazine. No, but from a purely internet entertainment value perspective there are a number of funnier ways they could have approached this, for instance, judging on the criteria of “most jailed” or “most times caught on fire” or most money in the bank by the time NSS/Power/Air Speed stopped cutting checks. But instead there is only this vague notion of “influencing and shaping,” which plainly sounds like a bra ad, while spanning some unspecified time frame, similar to a series of bra catalogues. Ought not Steve Cab be in there somewhere between the Tonys Alva and Hawk? If we’re going to hook up Bruce Logan, why not the legions of additional talented freestylers and slalomers who nobly gave their dignity and lives so we could enjoy this family restaurant? Er, Rodney Mullen? What about all those guys who invented skateboarding by nailing rollerskate wheels to two-by-fours, who I keep meeting slumped atop stools in various bars? What are they, chopped liver?

As a largely uninformed third party, it is incumbent upon this blog to predict that these type of annoying and largely pointless questions will dog the SHOF (or SHOE if you like) as long as it persists, which is of course part of the whole idea. Kind of like when VH1 counts down the top 400 celebrity somethings, killing valuable airtime but also sewing the seeds of discourse across office water-coolers and internet chat-venues the world over. Is BTO blindly and blunderingly playing into the IASC’s hand just with this misguided post? Perhaps, which is why I will slyly continue to refer to it as SHOE.

Back to the cultural significance. I submit to you, is the average peanut-leaguer more aware of Mickey Mantle because of multiple references on syndicated Seinfeld re-runs, or because he’s enshrined in some privately operated shrine in Cooperstown NY, home of shrines? Is there more to this SHOE beyond self-aggrandizement and some type of vague promotion of the “sport”? Is skate-boarding history, such as it is, the sort of thing that’s learned in museums and on CNN.com’s offbeat sports page, or on the streets? (I.E., not learned at all.)

Trophies and contest purses aside there is (was?) an aspect of all this shit that’s more about shooting spitballs at the homecoming kings and star quarterbacks than hoarding achievements and gala dinners. I’m sure the SHOE will raise all manner of money for new skateparks and promotions etc, and all involved are sweet bros with only the bro-est of intentions, but ought not the arbitrator of influence and, er, “shaping” be whether or not kid kickflip at the park recognizes a name, or knows how a certain trick came about? The limitations of physics aside, wasn’t one of the main attractions the lack of vicious rules and by-laws, along with the trappings and ceremony of the institutionalized sports? Can we expect to see a SHOE spot among the career aims of Ryan Sheckler, Greg Lutzka and Chaz Ortiz? And is Bo Turner lurking out back with violent designs on the winners’ lunch money?

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18 Responses to “The Breakfast Club”

  1. OSS in CT Says:

    Dude, you’re retarded—no kid who’s even 15 knows Mickey Mantle because of some Seinfeld re-run, the same way no kids know ANYTHING about Bruce Logan, and would know NOTHING about Tony Alva if it wasn’t for the Dogtown movies. Kids these days give less than a frog’s fat ass about the past, sad but true–and trying to belittle Tony Hawk while not really illustrating that fact just makes you even more of a douche-boy than your usual cryptic/ADD-addled shoe company/skate DVD rants usually do.

  2. capcity Says:

    Woah homeboy up above needs to get up off your ballsack son. Good post.

  3. Trent Says:

    Haha his posts never seem like rants. More like some kind of esoteric skate-prose

  4. Trent Says:

    Which is good, by the way.

  5. Jonathan Says:

    Finally we have a Hall of Fame run by the very people that wholeheartedly embody skateboarding. If only we can get into the Olympics, then………..moon, maybe? Moonboarding sounds cool (Now I’m the one pulling the “shenanigans”, give me a nomination).

  6. Paul Says:

    Always thought those craters look like fun to skate, particularly with reduced gravity.

    Those awards looked like a school woodwork project gone awry (the photo ones, not the rather nice looking 60s completes).

  7. chepesent Says:

    When did the industry kids forget about the sacred street art of keeping it real?

  8. cephalopod Says:

    The proper way to learn skate history is from a stack of pee stained Thrashers and SLAPs laying on the floor of a dirty bathroom in a downtown skate house.

  9. capcity Says:

    Or by being yourself on a skateboard..wich isn’t always a good thing.

  10. Brad K. Says:

    If the ‘OSS’ in ‘OSS in CT’ stands for Old School Sammy then you’re not only getting bashed on your site but hes also commenting on Chromeball about how stupid you are.

    Is this some kind of elaborate publicity stunt?

  11. the hungover ghost of dash snow Says:

    perspective skat-agories

    most likely to have sex with your girlfriend, even though they know they are your fav skater (guy?)

    most likely to cheat on their wife on tour (AR? Karl Watson?)

    most likely to cry during a testimony in a skate doc (rodney mullen?)

    most likely to exploit his girlfriend on his blog to further his cultural cred within the action sports industry
    (muska?)

    most likely to make you feel like shit, when you tell them that they are youre their favorite skater (koston)

    most likely to make a skateboarding instructional video (Dan Mc Farlane?)

    And the Jay Adams life time achievement award goes to……….Antwon Dixon!!

  12. Sam Says:

    Dang so wait–i’m confused. Where’s all the stuff about Iowa and or the Iowa Polka Hall of Fame?

  13. Zottli Says:

    The Iowa Polka Hall of Fame (IPHoF, pronounced If-off) and the SHOE will be sharing the same building for a short time until SHOE can acquire more proper digs.

  14. Bobby Says:

    that’s the fucking truth man

  15. lionz Says:

    yeah, don’t really care that much. i read this blog because i’m interested/love skateboarding, not so much the industry stuff… kind of like how i go see movies but never watch or care about the oscars, etc.

  16. Watson Says:

    I think OSS in CT up there has this blog confused mith my douchy ADD-addled shoe company ranting blog.

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