Tony Hawk and His Robot Skateboard Are Eroding Our Family Values


You got metal fever boy

Famous Birdman Tony Hawk is in the news again. He has helped to invent a a robot skateboard that you may manipulate with your feet and body, simulating certain acts. It’s for a video game but as with all things robotic the device opens a moral Pandora’s box that taps into man’s darkest urges and wants. Because he is backing it as a product Tony Hawk describes the device in fairly sterile terms, like so:

“This is a whole new direction. I don’t even like to compare because this is a full-body experience that you are controlling through standing on a board, and we made the gameplay completely different.”

At Boil the Ocean, defender of Human values, we cast a jaundiced eye upon robot pleasure machines of all shapes, even if it is in the comely form of promoting boardsport. The truth is that these devices wreck homes. Read if you will from this account of how one such so-called “exercise board” poisoned an American couple against each other.

Mrs. Levy lay prone on the motorized exercising board, its several sections prodding her ample body gently, nudging and kneading her soft, white flesh like a loving baker. Winding her arms under the table, she held it tightly.

“Oh,” she moaned softly and happily, nibbling on the section beneath her face.

“Turn that thing off,” her husband’s voice said somewhere behind her.

“What?” Mrs. Levy raised her head and looked dreamily around. “What are you doing here? I thought you were staying in town for the races.”

“I changed my mind, if it’s okay with you.”

“Sure, it’s okay with me. Do whatever you want. Don’t let me tell you what to do. Have yourself a ball. See if I care.”

“Pardon me. I’m sorry I tore you away from the board.”

“Let’s leave the board out of this, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, I’m sorry I insulted it.”

“Just leave my board out of it. That’s all I said. I’m trying to be nice. I don’t start the arguments around here.”

“Turn the damn thing on again and shut up. I’m going to take a shower.”

Tony Hawk has sold literally hundreds of video games to the youth, and now he has teamed with robots to corrupt values in a way that could also dent the skateboard industry. If people favor robot board simulations there will be no market for real skateboards, and the culture will collapse in on itself similar to what happened with kayaking down mountainsides. It’s only a warning but this could become real for everyone.

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12 Responses to “Tony Hawk and His Robot Skateboard Are Eroding Our Family Values”

  1. spod Says:

    this game is embarrassing.

  2. guttersnipe Says:

    hahaha what kind of degenerate has the hawk man turned into. he suffers from a corrupted worldview. what happened to his sense of taste and decency? ignatius’ valve would seal shut for years!

  3. whatevs Says:

    aw come the fuck on dude i grew up on the og thps..often fantasizing about all the “what if you could do that in real life” kinda shit i was doin in the game. this led to an obsession with skateboarding thus starting a 10 year stint thats still going on. whatever is bringing people to skateboarding is fuckin fine its not a coolness contest little kids will see this shit and if they know whats up or have common sense in the least bit they will start to actually skate

  4. Blue Says:

    “Literally hundreds” gave me a hearty giggle, but goddamnit, Mr. Light, I have a hard time deciphering your captions sometimes, give us a hint!

    With regard to the post – Holy shit, we’re getting ever so close to a Back to the Future-esqe board now, which is both troubling (from a “what will happen to our wooden stick industry?” perspective) and totally fucking awesome (from a “Oh my sweet dick, I’m almost riding a floating skateboard” perspective).

    Only problem being, how the shit do you do any sort of blunt variation on a truck-less board?

  5. greybeard the washed up skateboarder Says:

    the robot epidemic is real.
    we as humans need to recognize it.
    if my predictions are true, and it seems pretty convincing after reading this article. tony hawk is a cyborg. through the years of him growing up as a young pro to vet status have all been different models of him engineered by the government who have been teaming up with the aliens for quite sometime. just to find a way to control the kids…through skateboard video games. if you look at the concept of it all, it’s kinda fucked up. what if they make a video game with a board with wheels and trucks on it and you had to roll around on it, that would be awesome

  6. Krampus Says:

    mmm… that confederacy of dunces reference was delicious.

  7. Tristan Says:

    Im not gonna lie, the first THPS turned me on to skateboarding, resulting in my lifer status. But when I see this virtual simulation game, I am a little worried about the sake of our aesthetic value of pushing down the street.

  8. m Says:

  9. Chris Says:

    Eh, games like this have been around for years and years. No, it’s not skating…but my guess is that it won’t STOP anyone from skating. Are we at the point where we are doing the bro-brah surf thing of ‘If You Don’t Surf Don’t Start’? Seems a bit elitist…

    And after everything Hawk has given to skating park wise (who has done more?) and (bring the posts talking shit) being a solid public figure…I think most are fine with him selling some robot boards to non-skaters. Super, old man purist skaters most likely will ignore. What’s the harm?

  10. chinchilla Says:

    well goddamn that dog looked entertained as fuck…but it still looks like you just tap the tail and suddenly your tre flipping over the grand canyon in classic tony hawk fantasy fashion…i thought the board was to simulate real motions. ehhh what am i saying, who cares, i stopped having time for video games a decade ago

  11. Anonymous Says:

    Wow… just WOW,i do agree!Welcome to best wow gold.

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