Could Rob Dyrdek’s Don King Fantasy Render All Of Chaz Ortiz’s Hard Work Meaningless?

Rob Dyrdek’s constantly mutating career has traced a twisty, turny path over the past two-plus decades, from Gordon & Smith prodigy to backpack rap mogul to one-half of an ambiguously extreme duo to a designer of profitable action figurines in a convoluted route similar to that of the Tony Hawk branded rollercoaster. His various “boardroom bangers” have earned him comparisons to hairmonger Donald Trump and the Birdman himself, as well as the titular character in the successful sci-fi romance “The Time Traveler’s Wife’s Husband.”

Like an 80s shark-skin suit, Rob Dyrdek is compelled to continue moving forward and look snappy doing so, yet his most recent venture poses risks of destabilizing the already shaky underpinnings of the competitive contest circuit as we know and understand it today. The “Street League,” alluring to pros for its lucrative prize potential and relative credibility when placed beside the likes of a Mountain Dew-soaked prefab circuses stuffed with Slim Jims and the musings of a Sal Masakela. It’s the tradeoff — an agreed-upon exclusivity of pro participation that involves forswearing other major contest tours — that raises the danger of plunging the
immaculate and hallowed institution of contest skating into the same cesspool of confusion, corruption and chest-beating that has snared pro boxing.

Here, a woeful five organizations with even more woefully similar-sounding names — the World Boxing Council, World Boxing Association, International Boxing Federation, World Boxing Organization, and International Boxing Organization– vie for the hearts and minds of fans as each purports to lord over the true world title for each weight class, requiring would-be contenders to overextend their personal credit in an effort to acquire houses with enough closet space for multiple gilded belts. Truly it is enough to make a dunce of anyone seeking to master the sweet science.

Even without a gunmetal-gray fright wig and track record of alleged athlete exploitation, Rob Dyrdek’s outsized ambitions may serve to unravel the innocent hopes and dreams of youngsters whose only goal is to be crowned the undisputed world champion over all other boarders, along with all the women and energy drinks and free pickup trucks that such an achievement brings. Between the Gravitron Games, the Dew Tour, World Cup Skateboarding, the California Awesome Skateboarding League and those guys who successfully defended the industry against the blank-deck scourge a few years back, it’s hard to be sure this has not already happened. Is it too late — do we live in a world where the title of “world champion,” even when slurred by John Lydon, carries a qualifier? Will kids need complex flow-charts to properly position photos of their heroes in the proper hierarchy on bedroom walls? Will magazines double their IT expenses replacing keyboards with worn-out shift and 8 keys? Might stage-dads rethink valuable lawn-mowing hours spent coaxing feeble grinds down the park rail?

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16 Responses to “Could Rob Dyrdek’s Don King Fantasy Render All Of Chaz Ortiz’s Hard Work Meaningless?”

  1. Magic Pizza Says:

    “Like an 80s shark-skin suit, Rob Dyrdek is compelled to continue moving forward and look snappy doing so”

    Damn.

  2. Anonymous Says:

    Funny point.

    The straight answer to the question posed, if one were to be uptight enough to want to argue about it, brings up the eternal debate of art vs sport.
    In boxing a “winner” is identified according to quantifiable or qualitative events which occur during given bout.
    In skateboarding you end up having to compare fs crossbones to switch bsnbs’s vs fs 5-0 to fakie on oververt.

    Those contest tours are essentially like ice-dancing competitions, battles of choreographed twirly routines.

    Nonetheless, hilarious headline.

  3. brad k Says:

    Valuable lawn-mowing hours spent coaxing feeble grinds down the park rail!

    Thanks for posting.

  4. thecarbonite Says:

    so like…is Ortiz the Bill Bucker of Street League? This is important.

  5. Lurper Says:

    Street League is the lame. Rob Dyrdek is killing skateboarding… more business kook than skateboarder.

  6. theProgram Says:

    In boxing, when you lose a round you score 9 points, supposing that you haven’t been knocked down or taken a penalty.

    In street league, you can do a perfect switch 360 flip down a 3-flat-7 double set and score 7.5 points.

    Discuss.

    *also…since when is the kid who does a 50-50 and a 5-0 in one try each considered to be “killing it harder” than the kid who makes a kickflip back tail in two tries? to keep with your boxing analogy, it ain’t about how many punches you land, it’s about how good those punches are.

  7. Mauricio Says:

    is this “Major League Skateboarding” making a douche out of skater legends?
    in comparing Dyrdrek to Hawk: despite his (ok) part in Mindfiled I’m not sure Rob even still skates. Tony on the other hand is even getting broken down trying 720s, touring with Birdhouse and pushing skateboarding progression. He did make $ out skateboarding. WITH actual skateboarding.
    Major League Skateboards sounds more accurate than street league, for it does not happen on streets, but in “plazas built in arenas”. it is like calling the NBA a Street Basketball League.
    if the edges of your seats are sharp, better not watch this…

  8. Rikku Markka Says:

    I think with Dyrdek vs. Hawk, Dyrdek still probably had to do a lot of hard work off the skateboard, i.e. multiple pitch meetings glad-handing TV execs, calculating projected revenue, etc. But to this day, I would still rather watch Tony Hawk skate over Rob Dyrdek.

    I saw the televised contest where Chaz Ortiz lost when he missed a crooked grind, and two things stood out: 1) the entire thing was boring as all these pros were going 1 mph while trying these tricks, and 2) when Chaz missed the crooked, everyone erupted in joy for Sean Malto. That spoke volumes as to the perceived unlikeability of Chaz by his peers.

  9. dedleg Says:

    So not interested in Chaz Ortiz. Malto’s gotten a bit boring but Ortiz is on another whole level of boring.

    Tampa Pro / Am seems like one of the only contests that actually matters.

  10. art hellman Says:

    Rodil De Araujo Jr. could not be reached for comment.

  11. long duck dong Says:

    I can’t wait for the street skating equivalent of the megaramp and the standouts of the first contest upon it.

  12. OSS in CT Says:

    Chaz Ortiz is a whiny biz-natch….he can go away anytime…

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