Fuck the fall


Being hated by the season

You Will Soon made a post the other day about how fall is great for skateboarding. Well, I beg to differ. I hate fall. Yeah yeah, I get all that shit about skating in hooded sweatshirts, crisp air, not sweating through your white T, powersliding through leaves and all that. Here’s the catch however: you can do all that same stuff in the springtime, and go home knowing that you have the whole summer ahead of you, whereas with fall, it’s liable to start pissing down cold November rain the next day, or better yet, a freak snowstorm that ends up being the first revolting kiss of winter.

Also sometimes when you powerslide through leaves you slip on some leaf-slime or a mystery rock and find yourself pitched to the pavement. At least in the summer it softens up a little.

Reasons why fall blows:

1. Winter lies ahead
This is the main one of course. YWS said this drives them to skate harder up in Canada, and while I guess I don’t have any room to complain geographically, I just get depressed thinking about months of skating crowded parks or cramped TFs or patches of frozen asphalt. And losing tricks.

2. Snot ropes
Watery eyes too. Or am I the only one this happens to? There’s nothing quite like manipulating your board and watching out of the corner of your vision mid-trick as a tendril of mucus lashes across your pants.

3. School starts
Or if you’re elderly like me you’ll enjoy reliving the fleeting sense of oppression at another two semesters’ worth of droning lectures and homework, even years after they’re over. I still have this terrible recurring dream of walking to school when I’m struck with the panicked realization that I’ve completely forgotten to go to one of my classes for months, and the final is today.

4. Fall smells
Burning leaves are cool, but the turkey and corn plants firing up are the worst.

5. Slamming hurts
This operates on a sliding scale according to how low the temperature gets. These days anything below 40 and I’m envisioning a Fully Flared Pappalardo intro scenario if I step off the ledge wrong. That’s about the time I settle back into the couch and cue up the Ipath promo again.

6. Skating in hooded sweatshirts actually sucks
The hood always curls off to one side and whaps me in the face if I don’t adjust it every minute or two. Hood up works sometimes, for a while, but I can’t even do earphones when it comes to head-body attachments.

7. September 11
Most of you probably remember that one. It fucked up Jay-Z’s record sales for a little while. Not cool at all.

8. It gets darker earlier
And if your spots don’t have lights you’re screwed.

9. Months and months until it warms up
As long as these past couple winters have been, it’s too distressing to even think about. No, the bears are onto something with this hibernation deal. If you’ll pardon me, I’m going to see about renting a cave, and gobble Big Montanas until my security deposit clears. Watch when I roll back the stone on Easter Sunday–if my shadow remains large enough that I think Jabari Pendleton is standing outside waiting to go skating with me, there will be six more weeks of winter, and I will require three new video games, with at least one being of the life-consuming role-playing variety. If I can’t see my breath and my winter fat has melted away to a reasonable extent, I’ll meet you at the local waxed-up parking block and possibly bitch about how it’s too hot already.

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10 Responses to “Fuck the fall”

  1. Mike Says:

    Tricky allusion to Trevor Prescott. I’ve seen those videos too. I’m bored and will try to re-but your bullet points. Is that how you spell re-but?

    1. Can’t argue with you there. I’m off to a good start.

    2. You’re the only one.

    3. It’s about mid-terms right now. Me 1, You 2.

    4. Leave smells rule, plus, people are still bbqing, so, since I don’t really understand your gripes about turkey and corn, I win.

    5. Slamming hurts when it’s hella cold, yes, but me and you know that neither of us are actually skating outside when it’s gonna make a difference. Advantage me.

    6. Find a hoodie that fits. That is that, I can’t skate in overly large hooded sweatshirts, but we should all know by now that you can’t do that. Better, yet, reach back to the 90’s and wear either the long sleeve under a T, or a button down.

    7. 9-11 passed again, and it didn’t fuck up anything skating wise, Jigga Man’s record sales non-withstanding.

    8. Touche.

    9. Touche.

    Tally is me 5, you 4. I’ve been liking the fall up until now; your ominous forecast for the months of despair has really bummed me out, so you win, even if I’m one point up.

  2. policeinformer Says:

    Plus your hands freeze while you’re trying to drink your beer at the spot.

  3. Brad K. Says:

    10. At least here in Utah, people get pissed at you for not being stoked about the upcoming snowboarding season.

  4. adrian Says:

    I get watery eyes too. Haha that shit sucks. I thought i was the only one! Fall in the midwest (north west ohio) is tight.

  5. Watson Says:

    Thanks for the link, but fuck you! You’re either with me, or against me! Kidding, I was actually going to go through a point by point rebuttal like Mike did. I’m going to anyway.

    1. Winter lies ahead. Yeah that part really sucks. I did mention it forces us to skate more, but it’s till not a plus. Encroaching winter is never a good thing. I liked that you used the term “November rain”. Great G n’ R song. Really great.

    2. Snot ropes. My eyes don’t really water, but my nose does run. I have so much footage I’ve shot where in the background of the person doing the trick you can hear me sniffling like a little kid who just had a ninny fit. But shooting snot rockets is pretty fun, you gotta admit.

    3. School Starts. Who cares?! Fuck school! I haven’t been to one of those things for like 8 years! But I do have a similar dream where I haven’t gone to school for months, and I have to go to a couple classes before finals, but I can’t even remember which classes I am in, what room they are in, anything. I consider going to the office to check my classes but know I will get in trouble for never going. Apparently this is a really common dream. Weird how people can all have the same dream.

    4. Leaves smell awesome! You don’t like turkey? What the fuck?! I don’t know about no corn either. We don’t grow that shit here.

    5. Slamming hurts. True, but shit son, I’m so good I don’t slam. Kidding, kidding. But I generally don’t skate anything that I can take a serious slam on.

    6. Skating in hoodies. Dude, think of Ryan Bartsma in Genesis when he hardflips that bump to bump and the hood pops up on his head, and he flicks it back without his hands. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bkiuke7QEOw Hell yeah.

    7. Ain’t nothin blew up in Canada. No problem.

    8. Yeah, that is the worst part.

    9. Jabari Pendleton is just big boned. Give him a break.

    Now as for your comment that you can powerslide through leaves in spring: Fuck no you can’t! After being covered in snow all winter, that shit turns to mung!

  6. ** Says:

    http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=BcWfpPgeAP4

  7. Skate Nazi Says:

    Move to Hawaii.

  8. ersatz Says:

    My friends and I have a tradition where we get together for the last sesh of the summer(read: fall) and get loaded while we skate some parkades at night. Then it gets miserably snowy, and all we skate is the mini.

  9. mo'hamed ollie Says:

    Know why I rarely get or keep a cold?Because as soon as it hits 60 my nose starts running like Jose Reyes on a 3 and 0 pitch.Coupled with the cold sweating,no toxin can stay inside my warm body long enough to bring me to my knees.Still,the cold pavement and wind,however slight is a mother bitch…

  10. lewis cruise Says:

    fuck yes the fall is the best. layers of gear without excessive amounts of sweat, the summer heat can be too intense

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