The Functional Baker Boys

fabolous_baker_boys

The true glory in growing old and finding one’s self with little or nothing left to prove is that it carries wealth in options. Bill Murray, that graybeard vanquisher of ghosts and pro jock to the Dalai Lama, honored fellow oldster David Letterman last month by leaping out of a secretive cake chamber and proceeding to take shots to the dome. Jack Palance, that silver fox of the US prairies, saw fit to parlay his time at the Oscar podium into boasts about the size of his bowel movements and several one-armed push ups. Betty White this week joined Instagram.

So too in the skate biz, where pro careers now offer second and third acts, there are elder statemenships to be carved out, with Jeff Grosso lovingly hollering at the collective industry to get off his lawn, French Fred Mortagne pulling back the veil on the early years of Barcelona paradise, and Tony Alva donning a puff-ball stocking cap to level-set the Vans video.

Andrew Reynolds and Mike Carroll still have a few miles in them but the heavy retrospecticus vibes and general grown-manning going on when the frontside flip impresarios deposited themselves upon the Crail Couch the other day suggested some pondering toward whatever roles await them as full-time company-runners, number-crunchers and talent-pickers. At this point Andrew Reynolds has been on the sober straight-and-narrow longer than his service under the Pissdrunx, and in interviews he’s been steering kids clear of drugs and drinking for a while now, but it is nevertheless a bit jarring to hear him take shots at Migos:

Advice for the youth?
AR: Don’t smoke weed. Don’t listen to whatever they’re saying in all this trap music, whatever that shit’s called.
MC: MOLLY!
AR: That music, I listen to it in the skatepark and people play it, nonstop, the same song over and over. And I like hip hop. But that new shit though is like brainwash, Migos and all that, like fuck. That’s like, and I see on Instagram, the kids, their little statement about them, is like ‘skateboarding and weed.’ It’s like, alright. And the music is just like ‘disrespect women, money, drugs.’ That’s pretty much it. And if they’re not listening to anything else besides that then that’s just pounded in, all day long.

Andrew Reynolds never has attempted to whitewash his past or foist his teetotaling on his riders, and one must assume that for now his official stance toward Migos music is the same.* It’s not clear whether Dustin Dollin owns ‘Rich Ni**a Timeline’ but the sometime devil’s spawn in the ‘Propeller’ divulges that he holds down the other end of the Baker spectrum, apparently the last bleary-eyed pro standing from the Warner Ave 7-day weekend after his assorted bendermates fell out over the years:

Thrasher: [A]re you the last Pissdrunk?
Dustin Dollin: I cannot confirm that rumor. Pearcy still drinks. Dancer still drinks, I’m sure. But yeah, out of the celebrity skateboarders in the public eye, I may be the last. I may be the last of the OG Pissdrunks, but there are thousands of them out there now. Thousands and thousands. And growing! But yeah, Jim doesn’t drink. Ali doesn’t drink, Elissa doesn’t drink, Andrew doesn’t drink, Erik doesn’t drink.

T: Can you still get tricks hammered?
I mean, every day that I go out skating I’m usually drinking and I try to get a trick if my body’s able. So I guess it’s every time I go skating.

Part of Andrew Reynolds’ legend status no doubt flows from about two decades’ worth of steady output that’s managed to consistently raise the bar, whatever his personal circumstances. But there’s a statistical argument to be made in favour of Dustin Dollin’s boozy functionality, previously revealed through his self-appointed role as KOTR footage logger/point tallier/stunt motivator and the staying power of the dudes he’s helped put on, but mainly via his own skate tricks themselves. A review of assorted Youtube clippings and Digital Versatile Discs from Baker2G’s Y2K release to the present indicates that among the named Pissdrunx, Dustin Dollin is the second-most productive in terms of minutes’ worth of video parts released, coming in ahead of now-dry peers Erik Ellington, Jim Greco, Ali Boulala and Elissa Steamer:

pissdrunx_chart

Does Dustin Dollin’s statistical outlier status reflect genetic advantages possessed by Australians in the barroom? What of New Jersey, and might Fred Gall similarly skew averages when stacked against peers less beloved of Sambuca, Ozzy concerts and plunging headlong into burning buildings? Would Andrew Reynolds take genuine offense to the ‘Better than the Beatles’ meme? Will legitimate musicals finally earn Migos the respect they deserve?

*Until the Slap boards divulge otherwise

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10 Responses to “The Functional Baker Boys”

  1. Chew Says:

    First off, brilliant. Second, shouldn’t Dollin have some sort of handicap because his shoe sponser just released their first video ever, whereas Emerica has been dropping them regularly for nearly two decades? Seems like Reynolds has the advantage in that sense.

  2. tonecapone Says:

    great article.andrew reynolds has two major reasons for quiting booze mainly gershon mosesly and gershon mosesly knocking his teeth out.i would love a full comeback by g-mos he dont get mentioned here much.

  3. esquivel Says:

    Andrew Reynolds is 100% correct on the music thing. What the hell is this consistently crap noise that 10 year old kids call music? It has no substance, no melody, no attitude. Just cheap and retarded statements on how young kids should smoke a lot of ganja and have a very bad taste in women (the whole “shake the booty” thing is just disgusting, anyone could bang a fat girl who’s dressed like a prostitute).

  4. ilana Says:

    Thus we see the cycle of life continue as a man reaches the end of his thirties and finds himself not only detached from youth culture, but in opposition to it. The drugs and loud music of earlier days have turned, at best, inane; more likely, they are a corrupting influence. Given another twenty-some years, the children he chides today will in their turn take his place as the moral and aesthetic arbiters advocating “safe” habits and tastes. In short, old_man_yells_at_cloud.jpg.

    • esquivel Says:

      the dude with the comment below yours (ssbsts) is correct. Andrew definitely is not an old man yelling at a cloud, he just has good taste of music. I am 35 and still listen to stuff i used to listen when i was 15-even 13 very very loud!! some music nowadays has turned into a pile of crap, with rap holding the gold medal in shittyness. it is as if the people who promote this junk (because without major brainwashing only cows could get used and listen to crap trap) are targeting 10 year olds and accidentaly lots of older (but retarded) people started liking it. As long as Andrew (or any Andrew) skates and learns new tricks he will stay young but will only be wiser and with more authority to talk shit about shit things that deserve to be condemned.
      please do yourself a favour and listen to some de la soul or tribe called quest and then you could possibly distinguish the difference in music and “piece of shit”

  5. SSBSTS Says:

    First of all, Dustin is Australian and was probably born drunk, so he can’t really be fairly compared to the rest of those dudes. He’s an anomaly. Second, Reynolds is completely right about the horrible tastes of the modern skater kid. He’s not an old man yelling at a cloud, he’s just simply speaking the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

  6. tobey hawk Says:

    Fav part of that crail couch clip has to be when Carroll says mockingly “Hey, you gotta have heritage!”…It’s like every smug branding douchepreneur’s new favourite word.

  7. some guy Says:

    and sometimes the truth seems like the truth, but is just another illusion that switched places with the previous illusion in order to fulfill the never ending human quota for illusions.

    ~ most recent illusion

  8. sebo Says:

    irrelevant

  9. silverado Says:

    silverado

    The Functional Baker Boys | boil the ocean

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